Land of the Dead Review

LAND OF THE DEAD (2005)

Director:

George A. Romero

Stars:

John Leguizamo, Asia Argento ,Simon Baker and Dennis Hopper

It has taken 20 years for Romero to finally make a new Zombie film, not that he didn’t have something to say, but that no one was offering him financing.  Finally, Universal Pictures came forth and gave Romero the financing he needed to get his long awaited fourth zombie movie off the ground.  This would mark the first time a Romero zombie film would be financed with a major film corporation and that meant that Romero, long an independent rebel, would have to compromise and work under the umbrella of a company with demands. 

The result is a sleek looking and the biggest budgeted Romero zombie film ever.  But he had to cast some recognizable names such as Dennis Hopper, John Leguizamo, and Simon Baker to help draw in an audience.  Using known actors immediately tosses out the realism of Romero’s work.  In the past, the unknown casts have helped to create an “anybody” feel to the movie as if it was really happening to normal, everyday folk.  Now we feel like we are getting the Big Screen version of a real world event.

Land of the Dead also marks a sad departure of Tom Savini as Make -up FX creator.  The reasons for Romero and Savini’s separation is not known publically, but without Savini, Romero starts to rely on Computer Animation, something I despise and abhor.  Romero has gone on to say that Computer FX are easier and less time consuming, but he sacrifices a great deal of realism for this.

Land of the Dead takes place within a walled up city surrounded on three sides by water.  This is the perfect place to live while only having to protect one potential weak spot.  Simon Baker and John Leguizamo star as two men who work for Dennis Hopper, here a complete reversal from the Easy Rider days where he fought the Man and now has become the Man.  Hopper is in charge of the city and lives in a skyscraper with many other wealthy tenants.  Funny how money, power and glamour even plays a part in the world at this point with all that is happening, but Romero is creating a Have and Have Not situation.

Baker ‘s character Riley wants to leave the city and Leguizamo’s character Cholo feels he has earned himself a place in that tall tower to live like a king.  Both men decide this is their last trip out to fetch things, but during their trek they seem to “wake up” the zombies who are all just hanging around doing nothing.  The main zombie is referred to in credits as Big Daddy, and thankfully never in the film.  Bid Daddy represents a continuation of the Bub character from Day of the Dead.  Big Daddy has feelings, seems to remember parts of his previous life and soon leads a group of zombies on a journey toward the city.

The performances in this film are competent, but the story itself has a sort of déjà vu feeling to it.  Romero doesn’t seem to be covering any new ground.   The zombie make up isn’t as good as previous outings, and the zombies all seem to be a bit too human in their actions.  I miss the dazed and confused look they use to have.

This film has lots of gore, which was toned down for the theatrical release, but put back for the DVD release. 

Romero has changed in 20 years, as most people will, and Land is not a bad movie, it’s just we don’t get that commentary that we got from the previous three films, and when Romero is trying to say something he is less subtle about his messages and more in your face as if he doesn’t trust his audience to read between the lines.  This isn’t a film about ego, or gender roles or infighting, it’s basically just a horror film to entertain, and it does entertain.

Sadly, Romero would follow this up with two more zombie films, Diary of the Dead and Survival of the Dead, two movies which would prove that the creator and master of the zombie genre had lost his way.

GRADE: B

The Three Stooges Movie: A MASSACRE in 3 Chapters

The Three Stooges: A MASSACRE in 3 Chapters

I know, your first question is did I really expect this movie to be good and the answer is, "NO", but I didn't expect it to be as bad as it was, mainly due to poor choices and missed opportunities.

The film is told in three, 25 minute shorts, like real Stooges films were. Each section has its own Title Card and name of that chapter. 

This was the first missed opportunity. Why not use the real title cards and the actual music from the original Three Stooges Shorts?

The first twenty minutes of the film features the Stooges as children? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!  When did the Stooges ever do a film as kids?  This ain't the fucking Little Rascals assholes.


Halfway through the movie there is an extended gag scene featuring the stooges changing babies diapers and having a "gun fight" with the PEEING BABIES.  Yep, thats right, the gag consists of babies pissing all over the place and the Stooges getting soaked over and over.  I love how a kids movie has an extended GOLDEN SHOWER FETISH SCENE!!!! 

Oh, don't let me forget AN AMAZINGLY HUGE GAP IN THOUGHT....

If the film takes place in present day, then why would the Stooges dress and talk like its 1934????  This aspect of the film makes absolutely no sense, and the lazy screenwriters and directors couldn't be bothered to give a fuck.  This lapse in judgement bothered me most in an already broken and uninspired piece of shit film.


And then at the end of the second chapter, Larry and Curly leave Moe after one of those Academy Award emotional moments.  First, what we like about the Stooges is that there is no corny drama with Curly almost crying, and second, going into the 3rd chapter of the film, the Stooges are separated.

In all the Shorts they ever made, the Stooges were always a trio, from beginning to end, and were never separated. But in this film they are separated for almost 20 minutes.

And when we finally get the final scene of the Stooges at a High Society party, there are two huge things missing. First, there is no subtext to the fact that you have three morons who don't fit into High Society.  The Stooge films were always great at showing how these regular guys didn't fit in, but somehow made everyone else look foolish.

And the biggest missed opportunity of the whole movie.......NO PIE FIGHT!!!!

How do you make a Three Stooges movie without a pie fight?  Did anyone involved with making this film ever actually see a Three Stooges film?

And two seconds after the movie fades out it fades back in with two buys pretending to be the Farrelly Brothers who proceed to spend the next two minutes warning us that the film is fake and the violence is fake and that kids shouldn't try this at home.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK????  When I was a kid and watched the Stooges, I never once thought of slamming a hammer over my friends head. I never once "eye poked" a friend. I never needed to be warned. I wasn't that fucking stupid.

Its like watching Tom and Jerry and needing to be reminding not to shove large sticks of dynamite down my cats throat. 

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS.

1.  After the Title Card, "25 Years Later", only the Stooges age.  None of the Nuns who watch over the orphans have aged a second let alone 25 years.

2. Larry David as a Nun.  Was there something I missed? He is as annoying as hell in this film.

3. Jane Lynch.  Here's proof that even you can sometimes suck really bad.

4. Jennifer Hudson.  "Token Black Character" who sings for no other reason than its Jennifer Hudson. They didn't hire her for her acting talents so lets force a scene where she can sing.

5.  The cast of the Jersey Shore.  I swear they are proof that the Taliban exists in America.  I would love to put them in a plane and fly them into a fucking building.

If you feel the need to see this shit then go prepared....

1 can of gasoline

2 matches

after beginning credits, douse and light.



It'll be more fun burning to death that suffering through this "film".

End of rant.........

STONE; Robert DeNiro Review

STONE; Robert DeNiro Review

STONE (2010)

Director:

John Curran

Writer:

Angus MacLachlan

Stars:

Edward Norton, Milla Jovovich and Robert De Niro

Stone is the movie of two men on opposite sides of the law and their journey toward redemption and moral bankruptcy.  Edward Norton plays Gerald “Stone” Creeson, up for parole 8 years into a 10-15 year sentence for accessory to murder and arson involving his grandparents.  Robert DeNiro plays Jack Mabry, the Parole Officer who is responsible for seeing if Stone deserves to be paroled.

The first scene in the film takes place during the late 1960’s, and shows a younger Mabry sitting in front of a TV watching golf and drinking.  His wife, Madylyn enters the room and musters the strength to tell Jack she has had it with him.  Jack runs upstairs and holds their daughter out of a window and threatens to drop her if Madylyn ever thinks of leaving him again.  This scene serves to show the audience that Jack has demons and it was probably at this moment when he lost his way.

Now in present day Stone is marched into Mabry’s office, hair in corn rows and speaking with a scratchy southern “wigger” accent.  Norton does a great job of embodying this character.  Their first meeting is one of annoyance and frustration.  Jack is close to retirement and is just seeing his current cases through, while Stone is tired of having to keep talking about his crimes and such again and again in order to just be denied parole.  Mabry makes it known that he is the only “door” that Stone may walk through.  So the two men go about having conversations that seem more like therapy sessions than interviews.

Milla Jovovich plays Lucetta Creeson, Stone’s wife of nine years.  She is innocent yet has a dark side which Milla skillfully plays.  Stone puts her up to getting a hold of Jack and trying to “convince” him that he should be paroled.  She immediately sets out to do this, using her sweet tone and understated sexuality. Mabry , at first, resists her but soon finds himself meeting with her privately and ultimately engaging in an affair.

During this game of cat and mouse, Stone starts to have an epiphany about God, about life and about his crimes.  He starts reading up and soon begins to evolve spiritually.  This evolution plays against Jack’s moral decline as he cheats on his wife and continues to ignore her more and more. 

The whole film is set in the Bible Belt and throughout the film there is religious radio call in chatter used as a sort of random narration.   At one point Jack sits with the Pastor and tells him he should just shoot him.  Jack is unhappy and always has been, but lately he is starting to feel like his actions, his retirement and Stone are making him feel cornered.

So the film creates the spiritual evolution of a criminal while it shows the spiritual decline and moral bankruptcy of the non-criminal.  And although Stone may have used his wife to help secure his release, his desire changes as his spiritual growth does.  This change leaves Jack suspicious and Lucetta confused.

Stone gets his parole and Jack retires, but is so lost and confused that he drunkenly hits on his female replacement and when she politely refuses he calls her a cunt.  Jack leaves the bar where his retirement celebration is happening and he finds Stone.  Jack puts a gun up to Stone’s jaw, but Stone says, “You won’t do it.”  Jack wants to, and the scene shows just how far gone Jack is, but Jack doesn’t do it. He goes back home.

Once back home Jack is awaken in the middle of the night to a fire consuming his home.  He wakes up his wife and the two take refuge outside.  Jack believes that Stone did this, but Madylyn claims it was an act of God, but the suggestion her is that she’s had enough and she set the fire as a way to free herself from Jack and his isolating of her soul.

The film ends with Stone a changed man as is Madylyn a changed woman, but Jack and Lucetta both seem alone and lost.  The direct connotation here is that Stone and Madylyn believe in God and have faith whereas Jack and Lucetta do not and are lost souls.

The advertising for this film called it a taught thriller, and cat and mouse game, which it is not.  Stone is not really playing Jack for a fool as is suggested by other film synopsis of STONE.  He may have started out that way, but the film quickly isn’t about that, it’s truly about discovering God and that if you believe then you will be saved.  The film is slow, and there is almost zero tension, but the three stars give fine if not restrained performances.  The message here is not even remotely subtle and the film suffers a bit because of that.  Part of the problem with Stone, just like with DeNiro’s 2009 film “Everybody’s Fine” is that the two films are advertised as being a type of movie they are not.  Regardless of that Stone is a somewhat interesting character study about two men heading in different directions spiritually.

GRADE: B-

Soprano's Series Finale

Soprano's Series Finale

It has been more than four years since Tony, Carmella, Paulie and Silvio said goodbye to American audiences and HBO, but the debate still rages on....

Did Tony live or did Tony die?

Two camps have been set up based on your opinion; either you're a LIFER or you're a DEATHER.  And just like Israel and Palestein, this war shows no signs of ending.

For the uninformed, the series ended with Tony looking up from his table and the screen cutting to black for 30 seconds before the credits started.  DEATHERS contend that the diner was filled with potential murderer's whereas the LIFERS contend that the diner just featured people eating.

Both camps agree that one man, MEMBERS ONLY JACKET GUY, could have posed a threat. The Deathers believe he is the murderer of Tony Soprano, while Lifers, like myself, see this guy as serving no purpose other than to add tension to the final scene.

Now David Chase, the writer and creator of The Soprano's will never give the loyal viewers the apology they deserve; not just because the ending was so vague, but because he constantly kept us waiting more than a year between seasons, and the last season done in two parts was utter shit.

What neither side of the argument seems to be capable of seeing or admitting is that the DEATHERS are given credible evidence to argue that Tony is dead, while the LIFERS are also given credible evidence that Tony is alive.

But what neither camp seems to be able to say is, "we're are both right and we are both wrong because there is no definite ending."

The ending was left open to interpretation, but the viewers denounced interpretation and that is what makes me the most curious.  What makes us need concrete answers to a fantasy television show?  Why can't we accept that we don't know, or why can't we come to our own conclusion without have to tell others there conclusion is wrong?

I have never witnessed a more heated and lengthy debate about the ending of a tv show, and in a way Chase deserves credit for the way he ended his show.

I on the other hand think it was a clever way to get us fans not to notice who shitty the last 16 episodes really were.

Go to Imdb right now in the message board section and I guarantee you another debate has started about whether Tony lived or Died.

The show is over.  Who cares what happened to Tony.  He was a prick

Death of a Friend Named Jim Teel (January 2013)

Death of a Friend: Jim

The text read, "Jim T**l died today."

I was stunned, and after a week of stress and anxiety it was the excuse I needed to start crying all over myself.

Jim was gone.  Jim is gone. 

The finality of it rivals even the hardest of cements. 
The blow to my heart, rivals the biggest heart breaks.

I hadn't been in touch with Jim during most of his cancer battle, and got updates through his brother Rob, but Jim was and is a good friend with a heart of gold.

He was an overweight, Hippie-type Dead Head, who loved his Ganj, and having a good time.

The cancer had robbed him of his robust look, and took from us a great soul.

During a viewing of The Grateful Dead Movie, I ran into his brother Rob who gave me Jim's number and told me to call him.  He said Jim would be excited to hear from me.

I tucked the number into my contact list and forgot about it.  But the times I did remember I was afraid of making that call; resisting acknowledging Jim's cancer.  I was afraid to talk about it.

In my mind, Jim would beat cancer and live to tell the tale of his struggle and to show off his weight loss.
In my mind, ignoring it would make it go away.

But the problem didn't go away.....Jim did.

In 40 short years, Jim lived and Jim died. 

His death takes me back to the death of Kelly Hayes, gone at 19.
His death forces me to acknowledge mortality.
His death makes me hurt.
His death makes me cry.
His death makes me angry.

His death has made the world a quieter, and less amusing place.
And his death dims the light in my soul just a tiny bit more.


I am sorry Jim.  I am sorry you had to suffer.  I am sorry you had to die.  I am sorry you are not here anymore, and I'm sorry I never called.

But the day after he passed I did call.  I nervously listened to his phone ring; expecting for it to go directly to voice mail, but it didn't.

I heard him speak his final words to me, "This is Jim, leave a message."

Oh Jim, there isn't enough room for the message I wanna leave you now. 

How The Taliban Won

How The Taliban Won

So Bin Laden planned to have 19 Hi-jackers board airplanes and fly them into the WTC, Pentagon, and The White House.  The plan succeeded save for the White House when Flight 93 was crashed, by the passengers in a revolt*.  There are many who refute that, and say the flight was shot down.

Bush promised, "We can't let the terrorists win.", but in the 11 years since, they have won way more than Bin Laden could ever have planned or imagined.

Since 911, we have gotten into at least 3 wars which have killed scores of Americans as well as cost us so much money, we'll never recoup the loss.

The Patriot Act was created which gave the goverment powers unpresedented.  They can now spy on what we seach for on computers, and what we rent and borrow at libraries from books, to magazines to movies.

In the beginning we duct taped our windows, bought gas masks, and feared flying.  To this day, many people are wary of flying.  We now have Air Marshalls on every flight.

People are on constant edge when in flight.

At the airports, we are getting searched, our shoes taken off and body scans happening which are resulting in anger, rage and controversey into how far those in charge can go and when our rights are being violated.

Obama took office and continued to involve us in Middle Eastern issues.
He never closed Guantanamo.
And he didn't even think to touch or change or retract the Patriot Act.

Our rights and way have life have changed.  Our lives are subject to invasive searches and fear.

In some ways the lucky people died on 911, not having to bare witness to what this country has become, or how our freedoms have eroded and continue to erode.

We killed Bin Laden....so what.  Their hold on us is firm and never-ending.

Bin Laden won alot more than he ever conceived on 911.

And since then we have put a greater and bigger target on our backs.

So 911 as shocking, but the extent of the victory is still revealing itself.

Its my sad perspective and my sad reality on the situation.

The Cookie Sheet (January 2013)

The Cookie Sheet

 I get attached like velcro and then the deal goes south.  The woman flee's; sometimes presses charges and I am alone again searching for love.

Recently I was in another short fiasco with an adorable woman who got cold feet, or her meds wore off and she did a 180.

Not the first, not the last.

I was cleaning my place the other day and I noticed the COOKIE SHEETS.  Oh shit she had left her cookie sheets.  I flashed back to that wonderful New Years Day date when we made dinner and cookies and then watched a shitty movie before ravaging each others bodies. 

Now, after the deal went south, I was staring at her fucking cookie sheets. I thought I might put them at the bottom of my cat's litter box and make shit cookies.  I thought I might toss them out the window.  I thought I might bend them in half.

But no, I texted her and with my ego up my ass....

 I wrote, "I have your cookie sheets."
She wrote, "Oh yeah.."
LONG PAUSE..
I wrote, "So what do you wanna do about it?"
She wrote, "I don't know. What do you wanna do?"

Give me a fucking break! DO YOU WANT YOUR FUCKING COOKIE SHEETS!?!?!?!

I wrote, "Well I got them here if you want them."
She wrote, "I want them."
I wrote, "So what do you wanna come get them?"
She wrote, "I guess. Where?"

I thought to myself, annoyed at best, the fucking COOKIE SHEETS were in my apartment so WHERE was fucking HERE!!!

I wrote, "Here, where they sit. "

I was damned if I was going to come bring them to her or meet in some public place for the exchange. They were hers, she should have taken them with her, but she didn't, so now we had to deal with this bullshit over fucking cookie sheets.

She wrote, "Ok, I'll get back to you and let you know..."

So how long do I wait before I take those fucking cookie sheets and bury them in the Las Vegas desert.

Fucking COOKIE SHEETS.